Day #6: My Late Hogwarts Acceptance Letter

                For such a wonderful and magical school, you’d think Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry would have its priorities sorted out. You see, 3 years ago on my eleventh birthday, I waited next to my mail box, anxiously anticipating the owl that would certainly swoop down from the sky and deliver my Hogwarts acceptance letter. To this day, that owl has never arrived. I have put an exhaustive amount of effort into writing Headmaster Albus Dumbledore and inquiring as to the tardiness of my owl, but for obvious reasons the address of Hogwarts is undisclosed to the public. People tell me to give up and to accept life as a mere muggle. Ha! What a novel concept! Can you tell a painter not to paint? Can you prevent a bird from flying? As a wizard, it is my purpose in life to improve the world with my magic. I have been unable to refine my magical gifts for years, all the while dreaming of the day when I’ll be able to amaze the professors who have any sense.  But today, my dreams become reality. I am currently seated across from none other than the most amazing, gifted, brave, beautiful, flamboyantly gay wizard in all of existence. Dear readers, please welcome Albus Percival Wulfric Brain Dumbledore.

Dumbledore: It’s great to be here.

Me: So Albus, let me cut to the chase, where IS that acceptance letter?

Dumbledore: Well my boy, in the beginning of every school year we send out owls to all of the children that possess magical abilities. Because you are clearly destined to be the greatest wizard of our age, I ordered Professor McGonagall to send your message first. Unfortunately, the owl carrying your letter was blind, and he subsequently flew into a jet engine. Ever since then, we’ve had PETA bothering the school with an infinite amount of mail entitled “YOU NEED TO TREAT ANIMALS ETHICALLY!” and “THAT IS INHUMANE!” Anyway, we’ve just been really busy.

Me: Well, has it occurred to you to use regular mail? Or send me a Facebook message? I’m pretty sure you could put the money you use to feed hundreds of owls to better use, such as performing background checks on all the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers. Let’s face it, if you had done background checks on your teachers, Voldemort wouldn’t have entered Hogwarts on the back of Professor Quirrell’s head.

Dumbledore: That’s a valid point, you’re going to fit in at your new school, Ben.

Me: Well, I can’t contain my excitement! Thank you so much! That’s all the time we have left today, thank you for reading Things That Make Me Tick…ed Off!  By the way, Snape kills you in a couple of years, take my word for it, I read the books.